some wise words from dwight k. schrute.
EGREGIOUS MANAGEMENT FEES
October 18, 9:30 PM
There are 40 rules Schrute boys must memorize before age 5. The first rule being: "I am responsible for my actions and must live or die by their consequences." Personal responsibility is something all Schrutes revere. I've had to spend a fortune in repairs trying to mollify the groundless hysteria of my co-workers over "EMF." But true to my Schrute rules, I took responsibility for my building's failings, however overblown they may have been and no good deed goes unpunished. The final bill arrived from the work bus rental co. and, surprise, surprise, they tried to sneak in some ridiculous charges.
Am I to bear even more financial hardship for the idiocy and incompetence of others? Pie stains on the seats? I have five words for that: Kevin, Phyllis, Kevin, Stanley, and Kevin. It's amazing how much food actually misses their mouths. They'd be better off using feedbags. (Note to self: try using feedbags for Phyllis, Stanley and Kevin. Especially Kevin.)
Muddy footprints on the roof? I want them to cross-reference that soil. No way it's mine. I wipe my shoes off every time I leave my fields. Quality soil doesn't just grow on trees. It grows under trees. That has to be all Jim. Have you seen his shoes? The man traipses about through clays and loams, frivolously mixing acidic and alkaline soils. The man has zero regard for agronomy. Disgusting.
Privacy curtain? Please. Andy makes a fool of himself so often in public that I don't think he you even knows what shame is. What could he possibly be doing that needs privacy?
And tape residue from a candy dish? Well, I won't fight that. Erin was only trying to receive our guests and make them feel warm and welcome on our little bus. I can hardly hold that against her. I'm not a barbarian.
Rest assured, I am filing a formal complaint for these ludicrous charges. These people have clearly never rented to a Schrute because a Schrute never pays beef prices for horse meat (Rule #24).
( © http://schrutespace.com/blog/2012/10/work-bus/)
October 18, 9:30 PM
There are 40 rules Schrute boys must memorize before age 5. The first rule being: "I am responsible for my actions and must live or die by their consequences." Personal responsibility is something all Schrutes revere. I've had to spend a fortune in repairs trying to mollify the groundless hysteria of my co-workers over "EMF." But true to my Schrute rules, I took responsibility for my building's failings, however overblown they may have been and no good deed goes unpunished. The final bill arrived from the work bus rental co. and, surprise, surprise, they tried to sneak in some ridiculous charges.
Am I to bear even more financial hardship for the idiocy and incompetence of others? Pie stains on the seats? I have five words for that: Kevin, Phyllis, Kevin, Stanley, and Kevin. It's amazing how much food actually misses their mouths. They'd be better off using feedbags. (Note to self: try using feedbags for Phyllis, Stanley and Kevin. Especially Kevin.)
Muddy footprints on the roof? I want them to cross-reference that soil. No way it's mine. I wipe my shoes off every time I leave my fields. Quality soil doesn't just grow on trees. It grows under trees. That has to be all Jim. Have you seen his shoes? The man traipses about through clays and loams, frivolously mixing acidic and alkaline soils. The man has zero regard for agronomy. Disgusting.
Privacy curtain? Please. Andy makes a fool of himself so often in public that I don't think he you even knows what shame is. What could he possibly be doing that needs privacy?
And tape residue from a candy dish? Well, I won't fight that. Erin was only trying to receive our guests and make them feel warm and welcome on our little bus. I can hardly hold that against her. I'm not a barbarian.
Rest assured, I am filing a formal complaint for these ludicrous charges. These people have clearly never rented to a Schrute because a Schrute never pays beef prices for horse meat (Rule #24).
( © http://schrutespace.com/blog/2012/10/work-bus/)
NOT YOUR BABY'S DADDY
August 23, 3:31 PM
It's no secret that the economic outlook is worsening. Many Americans are struggling and don't know how to make ends meet. Who will help? Obama? Romney? Please. The government is not your baby's daddy. Besides, politicians have no clue. Who does? Dwight Schrute. That's right, I'm utterly recession-proof and you can be too if you put down your fancy palm pilots and pick up some self-control. Here are a few tips to get you started:
1. Gas costs are out of control and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. For $200 you can buy a horse, and you'll never have to worry about fuel again because a horse's gas is carrots.
2. Food prices are growing faster than Angela's monster baby. Instead of relying on the grocery store like an idiot slug, plant your own food at home (but leave the beets up to the pros).
3. Clothes don't make the man, it's the man that makes the clothes, and he mass-produces them in China. Mass-production leads to overconsumption, and overconsumption leads to debt. My advice? Own a couple of classic pieces that never go out of style. I've been wearing the same mustard-colored shirt since 1989 and I don't hear anybody complaining, most notably my pocketbook.
4. One word: vinegar. It's uses are endless, including household cleaner, fabric softener, stopping the hiccups, extending the life of your pantyhose, peeling off that embarrassing Evanescence bumper sticker, and removing gum from hair - something I do for Mose almost daily.
5. Seek cheap thrills. And I'm not talking about the local nudie bar. Although if you see my cousin Amel there, tell him his wife wants a divorce. What I'm referring to is cutting back on entertainment costs and doing inexpensive activities such as quilting, canning, haying, and drawing pictures in the dirt with sticks. Or if you're feeling especially frisky, pouring sugar in the gas tank of your enemy's tractor.
( © http://schrutespace.com/blog/2012/08/not-your-babys-daddy/)
August 23, 3:31 PM
It's no secret that the economic outlook is worsening. Many Americans are struggling and don't know how to make ends meet. Who will help? Obama? Romney? Please. The government is not your baby's daddy. Besides, politicians have no clue. Who does? Dwight Schrute. That's right, I'm utterly recession-proof and you can be too if you put down your fancy palm pilots and pick up some self-control. Here are a few tips to get you started:
1. Gas costs are out of control and there doesn't seem to be an end in sight. For $200 you can buy a horse, and you'll never have to worry about fuel again because a horse's gas is carrots.
2. Food prices are growing faster than Angela's monster baby. Instead of relying on the grocery store like an idiot slug, plant your own food at home (but leave the beets up to the pros).
3. Clothes don't make the man, it's the man that makes the clothes, and he mass-produces them in China. Mass-production leads to overconsumption, and overconsumption leads to debt. My advice? Own a couple of classic pieces that never go out of style. I've been wearing the same mustard-colored shirt since 1989 and I don't hear anybody complaining, most notably my pocketbook.
4. One word: vinegar. It's uses are endless, including household cleaner, fabric softener, stopping the hiccups, extending the life of your pantyhose, peeling off that embarrassing Evanescence bumper sticker, and removing gum from hair - something I do for Mose almost daily.
5. Seek cheap thrills. And I'm not talking about the local nudie bar. Although if you see my cousin Amel there, tell him his wife wants a divorce. What I'm referring to is cutting back on entertainment costs and doing inexpensive activities such as quilting, canning, haying, and drawing pictures in the dirt with sticks. Or if you're feeling especially frisky, pouring sugar in the gas tank of your enemy's tractor.
( © http://schrutespace.com/blog/2012/08/not-your-babys-daddy/)
A CONTRITE DWIGHT
July 21, 10:37 AM
A couple of months ago, an antique pistol accidentally discharged in the office during my tenure as Acting Manager. I would like to offer a very heartfelt apology to all of my co-workers who were present on the day of that unfortunate incidence. Although no one blames me for it, I'm still sorry. That's just the kind of guy I am.
As I expressed to the Search Committee, when I am chosen to be branch manager I'll institute a strict no firearms policy that will extend to myself as well (because that's just the kind of guy I am). Your confidence in me may have been shaken, but trust me -- I will be using this summer to ferociously shake it right back into you. Come fall, you'll want to "take flight with Dwight." Do you guys like that saying? I might have Mose make stickers. Anyway, take a moment to let all of that sink in and then and ask yourself: why should Dwight Schrute be manager? Then take a moment to ask yourself an even better question: why shouldn't Dwight Schrute be manager? If you can't think of anything, don't worry -- you're not alone. It's practically rhetorical.
( © http://schrutespace.com/blog/index.php?page=3)
July 21, 10:37 AM
A couple of months ago, an antique pistol accidentally discharged in the office during my tenure as Acting Manager. I would like to offer a very heartfelt apology to all of my co-workers who were present on the day of that unfortunate incidence. Although no one blames me for it, I'm still sorry. That's just the kind of guy I am.
As I expressed to the Search Committee, when I am chosen to be branch manager I'll institute a strict no firearms policy that will extend to myself as well (because that's just the kind of guy I am). Your confidence in me may have been shaken, but trust me -- I will be using this summer to ferociously shake it right back into you. Come fall, you'll want to "take flight with Dwight." Do you guys like that saying? I might have Mose make stickers. Anyway, take a moment to let all of that sink in and then and ask yourself: why should Dwight Schrute be manager? Then take a moment to ask yourself an even better question: why shouldn't Dwight Schrute be manager? If you can't think of anything, don't worry -- you're not alone. It's practically rhetorical.
( © http://schrutespace.com/blog/index.php?page=3)
WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE (WHICH NOW COSTS 50 CENTS)
May 12, 6:09 PM
Michael is gone. Deangelo is probably dead. Jim is an unaspiring slacker. Andy is an inept salesman. Darryl is a snob. Who does that leave as Acting Manager? Me: Dwight K. Schrute. And if Jo wants me to "act" like a manager, then she will get exactly that. And I'm going to do such a good job that she'll want no one else to reign as permanent manager. I've rendered several new rules to raise efficiency around here, and I expect you all to adhere. If you have an issue, take it to the man in charge. Oh wait... that would be ME! I'm grinning vindictively right now. I wish you could see it. Don't worry, I just took a photo.
NEW RULES:
-Every morning and every evening, you will punch into the old time clock near reception. Yes I realize the slot is about the size of a finger, but it's not scary; it's vintage. Mose picked it up from the Antiques Roadshow, and aside from helping me keep track of you loafers, I think it brings a lot of industrial charm to the office.
-On that same note, the day will now commence at 8AM rather than 9AM. This is a paper company, not a Rocks for Jocks class.
-Old Glory will be displayed, and we will recite the Pledge of Allegiance daily.
-You will each be issued new business cards. They will be massively oversized to make a statement and will boast your new titles, "Junior Employee" (which I think we can all agree is more accurate).
-Lunch breaks will be staggered to waste less time.
-Everyone will receive a distinct 21-digit copier code, unique to you.
-A new color-coding system will be in place: red-urgent, green-emergency, yellow-critical, and black-priority. All files will have one of these four colors.
-As you've read already, coffee costs fifty cents (honor system). Coffee beans don't grow on trees, they grow on bushes and they're expensive to import.
-No internet.
-No cell phones.
-No conference room meetings.
( © http://schrutespace.com/blog/index.php?page=3)
May 12, 6:09 PM
Michael is gone. Deangelo is probably dead. Jim is an unaspiring slacker. Andy is an inept salesman. Darryl is a snob. Who does that leave as Acting Manager? Me: Dwight K. Schrute. And if Jo wants me to "act" like a manager, then she will get exactly that. And I'm going to do such a good job that she'll want no one else to reign as permanent manager. I've rendered several new rules to raise efficiency around here, and I expect you all to adhere. If you have an issue, take it to the man in charge. Oh wait... that would be ME! I'm grinning vindictively right now. I wish you could see it. Don't worry, I just took a photo.
NEW RULES:
-Every morning and every evening, you will punch into the old time clock near reception. Yes I realize the slot is about the size of a finger, but it's not scary; it's vintage. Mose picked it up from the Antiques Roadshow, and aside from helping me keep track of you loafers, I think it brings a lot of industrial charm to the office.
-On that same note, the day will now commence at 8AM rather than 9AM. This is a paper company, not a Rocks for Jocks class.
-Old Glory will be displayed, and we will recite the Pledge of Allegiance daily.
-You will each be issued new business cards. They will be massively oversized to make a statement and will boast your new titles, "Junior Employee" (which I think we can all agree is more accurate).
-Lunch breaks will be staggered to waste less time.
-Everyone will receive a distinct 21-digit copier code, unique to you.
-A new color-coding system will be in place: red-urgent, green-emergency, yellow-critical, and black-priority. All files will have one of these four colors.
-As you've read already, coffee costs fifty cents (honor system). Coffee beans don't grow on trees, they grow on bushes and they're expensive to import.
-No internet.
-No cell phones.
-No conference room meetings.
( © http://schrutespace.com/blog/index.php?page=3)